How to write stand-up comedy material
My company is planning a function in the first week of December to celebrate Diwali and Christmas together. In another word, “cost cutting”. I’m the co-ordinator for entertainment section of that event. i.e. I have to make sure that I lock all the exits of the auditorium when a girl with man’s voice sings. Also, I’m planning to do my first stand-up comedy show in that event.
The problem with doing a stand-up comedy show in an office function is that I can’t make jokes on my boss, payhike, or the girl with man’s voice. Another problem is that if there are 600 people in the auditorium, I would need 600 assistants to pull sideways the cheek muscles of audience to make it look like audience are laughing.
Preparing a stand-up comedy material for an office function is very difficult. All the jokes have to be clean. Not even one blue joke. Because it’s a function attended by my colleagues, their wives, kids, and equal number of assistants who will pull the former’s cheek muscles. If I mistakenly utter the word ‘sex’, I’d have to pretend that I was just referring to the genders male and female. And again, that will upset someone in the audience: girl with man’s voice.
I had a discussion with my boss regd. this
Me: Hi boss, I’m finding it really difficult to write non-blue jokes for the show. Can I use some blue jokes?
My boss: Mmmmm… OK, but on one condition.
Me: What?
My boss: You can use blue jokes only from the 3rd minute of your show.
Me: Woww!!! That’s great. Any reason behind the 3rd minute thingy?
My boss: Yeah, I’m sure that you’ll put everyone to sleep in the first 2 minutes.
Last week, I was checking with my boss how many people are going to attend this function. He told, “I guess, something around 1200.” I was wondering, “What!!! so many people. A big audience then!!!” My boss responded, “No. Actual audience count will be 600. And another 600 helpers to wake up the audience after your show. And those helpers are deaf.” I said, “Oh, in that case, the total will be 1800, including my assistants”
I started preparing the jokes for my stand-up comedy. The first one is, “Hello audience, if my assistant pulls your left cheek, show your right cheek too.” My next joke is, “In the case of an emergency situation, like not being able to withstand my jokes at all, floor lighting will guide you to your nearest emergency exit. Your assistant will now point to your nearest exit. Make your own exit first before you advise your kid to exit the building.”
My third joke is, “If you hear the sound of a fire alarm going off, don’t leave the building. I repeat. NEVER LEAVE THE BUILDING. It’s the second cheapest trick by the party organizers to make the guests leave the building, since the food they arranged for the party is only sufficient for 236 people. The first cheapest trick is asking me to do a stand-up comedy show.”
There are many things that I can joke about: my eyes, my hands, my legs etc. In short, I can only poke fun at myself. Anyway, this function gives me a chance to showcase my talent and to beat many people’s records. Especially I’ll beat Rama’s personal record. After all, Rama only chopped off 10 heads.
OK, I’ve not talked about the title of this post. How to write stand-up comedy material? I’ll rephrase that. How to write stand-up comedy material for office functions.
1. Never joke about your boss. Because boss can fire crackers and as well as you.
2. Never joke about kids. Because your boss might have kids.
3. Never joke about dogs. Because your boss is a dog, er, your boss might have dogs.
4. Never joke about wives. Because your boss might have wives. Well, at least, a wife.
5. Never joke about brain. Because your boss might have… oh wait… there’s no 5th point.
gramaticallyhumorous 
Nice article. I’ve been trying out comedy myself.
The Daily Informant, thanks. Glad you liked the post.