Fastfood Nayak
Fastfood Nayak is the story of a guy named Picnic. People call him either Picnic or Fastfood Nayak. You’ll get to know the reason why they call him Fastfood Nayak if you read more.
Deva and Surya are Picnic’s close friends. Their only hobby is to make fun of picnic. OK, introduction about other characters later. Now, let’s dive into the story.
Scene 1:
Surya: Do you know the matter, machi? (Machi is the tamil word for saala or dude)
Deva: What? you’ve hit puberty?
Surya: No da.
Deva: Then what? your sister has hit puberty?
Surya: No da. Just listen to what I say.
Deva: Wait. let me guess. Your father has hit puberty?
Surya: Don’t make fun. It’s something serious. Stop talking and listen to me, na.
Deva: Serious? Wait. Let me guess. Has your family doctor given certificate that you have all the qualifications to change your gender to female?
Surya: Maapu, you stopppu. If I let you talk one more word, you’ll damage my whole family. (Maapu is another slang word which is equivalent to saala or dude)
Deva: Ok. Ok. Deva and Surya are one. Says everyone under the sun.
Surya: Zip your mouth and listen. Our Fastfood Nayak is fasting da!!!
Deva: *shocked* Who? Our Picnic? Our Fastfood Nayak? He’s fasting?
Surya: Yes yes yes!!!
Deva: I can’t believe it. The third street akka (sister) was running the akka mess for 6 years just by the belief that there are some big customers – Picnic, having his pre breakfast, breakfast, pre next week’s breakfast.
Surya: Yeah, I am also surprised. He’s not telling the reason, machi.
Deva: Ok, let’s go and check out.
Scene 2: Deva and Surya, at Picnic’s house.
*Deva rings the door bell and Picnic opens the door*
Deva and Surya: Hi Machi.
Picnic: Hi da. What a surprise!! Both of you have come to my house in the morning itself!!!
Deva: Wait. If we come in the evening, are you going to treat us with 3-course meal and badam kheer for dessert. Or, are you going to give 6000 Rs. as pocket money? You’re just going to say hi and bye. For having this conversation, does it really matter whether we come in the morning or evening?
Picnic: Cool down. Come on in.
Surya: It’s not just enough to say “come on in”. You should also not block our way.
Picnic: Oh, sorry. come on in.
*everyone enters home*
Surya: Machi, What we heard about you is true??
Picnic: Yes, machi.
Surya: How do you say yes even without knowing what I’m asking.
Picnic: It’s just like how you did. You asked me whether it’s true or not even without saying what you were asking about.
Surya: Good, good. You’re also trying some comedy.
Deva: We’ve heard that you are fasting. Is it true?
Picnic: Oh, that’s the matter, huh? Yeah, I’m fasting.
Deva: Achcha!! bahut achcha!! bahut bahut achcha!! What’s the reason, machi?
Picnic: Sorry, I can’t tell you guys. If I tell it to someone, it won’t come true.
Deva: Oh, I know what you mean. Do you mean Anna and Lokpal bill?
Picnic: No, no. it’s a general belief that if you tell the reason why you’re fasting, it won’t come true.
Deva: Oh, look at you. You’re fasting for world peace and your house peace!!! Yeah, you’re living in another universe. Just tell the reason da.
Picnic: No means No.
Deva: Machi, Deva and Picnic are one. Says everyone under the sun. Tell us the matter machi.
Picnic: OK, as you’re asking this much, I’m telling the reason.
Deva: ahhh.. come on..ahh come on.. ahh come on…
Picnic: Yesterday evening, while I was coming back from office, I saw the prettiest girl in the railway station. Somehow, I missed to notice which train she took. I am going mad. So, I’ve prayed god that she should come at the same time to the railway station and fasting for it.
Deva: Oh, that’s the matter huh? Even if someone plasters your mouth, you’re the guy who eats through some other opening. Now, you’re fasting for a girl. achcha!! bahut achcha!! bahut bahut achcha!!
Picnic: Yeah.
Deva: Just listen to me. If you fast, girl will not come. If you fast, fainting will come. If you fast too much, death will come. And to lift your dead body, 4 people will come. No girl will come.
Picnic: Stop kidding.
Deva: OK, do you know her name?
Picnic: No.
Deva: Do you know her phone number?
Picnic: No.
Deva: Do you know something, like her address etc.
Picnic: No.
Deva: Do you at least know whether that is a she or he?
Picnic: No (says ‘no’ in the same flow, then realises) hmmm!!! kid me not.
Deva: Then, what else do you know about her?
Picnic: I know only one thing about her. I saw her for the first time at 6:32:46 p.m.
Deva: You don’t wear watch, do you? How did you know the time?
Picnic: I asked the uncle who was eating a lolly-pop.
Deva: You asked the lolly-pop?
Picnic: No, I asked him the time.
Deva: Oh, you’ll ask the seconds too when you’re asking someone else the time!!! huuuuuh. OK, why did you ask him the seconds?
Picnic: Life, machi, life. I should know whether I first met her in the good time or bad time by consulting with astrologer.
Deva: Oh, you looked at all the times. But, did you look at the train-leaving time? Now, see. you’ve missed her.
Picnic: My bad.
Deva: We both are going to Michael anna’s (anna means brother) house. Are you coming with us?
Picnic: OK, let’s go. DOn’t tell this fasting matter to any one.
Deva and Surya: OK. OK. We’ll keep it as secret. Let’s go now.
Scene 3: Michael anna’s house. Michael anna has 2 wifes and one son. Oh wait, one son and 2 wifes. Oh, still wait. One wife and 2 sons. Harry is 6. Manny is 8.
Michael anna: Come on in, guys.
Manny: Uncle, are you fasting?
Harry: Uncle, are you fasting?
*Picnic’s mobile phone rings. The ring tone is “Khaneko milte laddu… Choclate biscut toffee khate Aur pite duddu”. The voice over the other side starts talking, “Hey, Picnic. Are you fasting?”*
Picnic: Yes, mom. I’m fasting. For you only. I’ve prayed god for your good health and fasting.
Phone voice: Dei, don’t fast for me and all da. Already, you’re like a thin…er, elephant. Now you’re fasting too. I already have good health and all. Take care of your health first.
Picnic: Ok ma. Ok ma. I’ll take care, bye.
Picnic: *To deva and Surya* How da? How? You’re coming with me only. How did you spread the news so fast? I guess, my child from future will time travel and ask me whether I’m fasting.
Michael anna: Guys, we’ve made chicken biryani and mutton chukka for lunch. Let’s have lunch? Hey, picnic. you carry on your fasting. I don’t want to come in between you and the girl who took the train at 6:32:46 p.m.
*Everybody starts eating and Picnic pities himself*
Harry: Appa (dad), yummy yummy tasty tasty!!
Picnic: Look at the kid. SARCASM at this very young age.
Manny: Appa, I want one more chicken leg piece.
Deva: Hey Manny, you are eating chicken piece. Picnic uncle is not eating for world peace.
*Picnic couln’t resist so long*
Picnic: Anna, can you give me a plate of biryani, too?
Michael anna: Yes, we can give you a plate. but just a plate… not biryani. You are fasting, no?
Harry: Appa, I can give my plate to Picnic uncle once I complete eating and when it’s empty.
Picnic: Anna, please anna. It’s been a long time since I ate chicken biryani.
Surya: Dei, don’t lie. Yester night only, you ate chicken biryani, didn’t you?
Picnic: Yeah, 16 hours is a long time, no?
Michael anna: OK, I’ll give u a plate of biryani. But don’t blame me if you don’t find that girl, ok.
Picnic: OK, pakka, anna.
*Michael anna hands over a plate of biryani to Picnic and Picnic starts eating*
Picnic: Super taste, anna. *bites a chicken leg piece and says* Picnic and chicken leg piece are one. Says everyone under the sun.
*everybody gets mad and takes off shoes to beat Fastfood Nayak*
Everybody: Our shoes and Picnic are one. Says everyone under the sun.
gramaticallyhumorous 